New Decade Resolutions?

I have never been one to make New Year's resolutions, although when I hear everyone discussing their own I often contemplate what I mine would be.  Most New Year's resolutions involve lifestyle changes such as quitting a bad habit or starting a good one.  Others involve improving one's financial status by eliminating debt, making more money or becoming more educated.

This week I heard the term "New Decade Resolutions" and was forced to ponder this one. Looking forward to the year 2020 seems so distant, however looking back to the drama of Y2K doesn't seem so long ago. Ten years so far and yet so close.  What kind of a resolution does one make for the decade?

With my kids all growing up and moving on with their lives, added to the loss of a job I hated, I have stopped for the first time to seriously analyze my lifestyle and the things I would like to change. For over a year now I have been critically thinking about and putting my new lifestyle plan into action.  I want to say that in 2020 I am still following my plan, enjoying life, grandchildren and making a difference in the lives of my students.

Lifestyle Plan
1. Avoid Illness and Pharmaceuticals:  Stress Management, Healthy Food Choices and Exercise.
2. Stress Management: Eat healthy, exercise and have a hobby
3. Healthy Food Choices: Reduce sugars, fat and meat, eliminate high fructose corn syrup and other "suspicious" ingredients.  Eat more fruits, vegetables and fish.
4. Exercise: Park far away, take the stairs, walk the dogs on the HR trails daily, hike the Rockies often
5. Meaningful Career (money not as important):  I will finish my Master's Degree in Elementary Education in April.
6. That's nice for the Jones, but it's not for me:  I don't care about having the nicest, latest, most trendy things.  I am concerned with comfort, safety and quality.  People matter the most, not things.

The long Christmas weekend is coming to an end

I know I wrote a few days ago about how much I wanted Christmas to be over, but I think I was just having a moment.  I was raised the oldest of a large and wild family and went on to have my own children young always surrounded with the chaos and joy of children for as long as I can remember.  Looking back I used to dream of the day when I could have a little peace, and now that I have it I miss the chaos.  As the famous saying goes "be careful what you wish for".

Scott and I spent the past four days just hanging out, watching movies, window shopping, eating and taking the dogs on walks.  This Christmas our house was very quiet and peaceful.  No staying up late to stuff stockings and waking up early for anxious children to open presents.  We stayed up late watching movies, slept in and headed to the mall for some chaos.

The entire four days were cold but absolutely beautiful.  After living 32 years in the desert of Arizona, I can really appreciate the beauty of a white Christmas weekend (especially when I can see the snow capped Rocky Mountains everywhere I go). And I actually do not mind driving in the stuff so much any more.

FYI...we did not break out the snowshoes this weekend.

My second Christmas without my little girls

I miss picking out the adorable matching Christmas dresses, shopping for the perfect gift, staying up late to stuff the stockings and bring out the gifts and most of all the look on their faces Christmas morning.  As Christmas approaches in our childless home, there are no gifts under our partially decorated tree and no thrills, smiley faces or big messes of wrapping paper and piles of boxes to look forward to.

I miss trying to keep the Santa secret.  I loved to see those eyes light up in excitement, I always felt a flutter in my heart.  I miss using the "you better behave if you want Santa to visit you".  Answering questions like "Mom, how will Santa get into our house without a chimney?" and "Mom, how did you get the same wrapping paper Santa used last year?"

However, I often felt guilty lying as I'm sure most people do. The year "Free Willy" came out on video right before Christmas (1994?), Whitney could not wait to get the movie and I lied and told her the movie wasn't out yet but maybe Santa could get it.  And guess what?  He did.  The gift was so simple yet Whitney was so amazed.  Just like the year before when Chelsea got her red big wheel she road all around the inside and outside of the house until  she was too big and I had to break her heart and take it away.

I recently heard "White Christmas" and instantly teared up remembering Whitney performing the song in sign language with her kindergarten class during their "Teddy Bears Christmas" show.

Where did those little girls go?  Christmas will never be the same without them.

My Baby Turns 18 Today!

Happy 18th Birthday Sean!

Could this be Empty Nest Syndrome?

Lately, the smallest reminders of my children as children brings tears to my eyes and causes my chest to hurt and my throat to feel as though there is a lump in it. There is no escaping these small reminders. Anyone who knows me understands my obsession with organization and lately I have been trying to eliminate unnecessary stuff I have been holding on to. Maybe this is not a good time but I am unemployed and want to make the most of this time by getting rid of clutter and making money by selling on Craigslist or Ebay. Today I pulled out a box of old CD's and was sorting through them when I came across the soundtrack for the Disney movie Tarzan. I instantly began to cry as memories of my kids and I singing and dancing to the CD came to mind. When I am out shopping and see a mother disciplining her child I try to tell myself see Jen all that chaos is over and now you have the freedom to shop without the pressure of "mommy I want this" or the stress of "I need to use the bathroom, I am hungry, When are we going home?" However, none of that works for me as I still get emotional, teary eyed and confused at where the time has gone. I feel like there is so much I wanted to do and experience with my kids and never got to. Sometimes I get upset with myself because I am upset. Eighteen years ago I was turning twenty-two and giving birth to my third and last child with excitement at the fact that I would be forty years old and my baby would be eighteen. Over the past eighteen years as I met women who traveled and experienced life before children I would think that's okay because I will be forty and all of my kids grown and I can travel and experience life at that point. Now here I am turning forty and my baby turning eighteen and all I can do is feel empty and sad. My kids practically grew up with me, they are my life and although I am proud of their achievements I want them back as my adorable, cute pain in the butt little kids.

Whitney is so far away!!!!!

Our daily walks are the highlight of my days, a time to distress, unwind and share random thoughts and ideas with each other. Today as Scott and I walked the dogs through the open area in our neighborhood we took a detour and ended up walking through fields of sunflowers. Looking at the sunflowers made me think of my oldest daughter Whitney. Whitney has always been a fan of sunflowers so much so they were the flower of her wedding. I can't believe Whitney is so far away in Nashville! As a mother I feared my children moving far way from me and now it has happened. I know a Master's degree from Vanderbilt will open doors for Whitney in the future but where will she settle after college and start her family? Chelsea and Owyn in Arizona is difficult enough. Ideally I would like all of us living in the same city so when I am a teacher I can spend my breaks with my grandchildren. I know that may be too much to ask but less than a six hour drive would do.

Whitney has started her own blog about her life in Nashville. Please check out her blog Goodbye Desert...Hello Music City.